Thursday, November 17, 2016

Nov. 17/2016

Wow, sorry to be so long in writing but ALOT has happened in the past week or so.
As I said, I have finally accepted that my marriage cannot continue and I cannot keep the farm or the horses - not even two or three of them - and manage by myself. I have come to the painful conclusion that I will have to sell it all and move to a much smaller house with perhaps a large lot, but certainly not anything anymore than an acre or two. I could live another thirty years - my mother is eighty-two this year and still going strong - but I am not going to live forever, that is for sure, and I have to start thinking in practical terms what I am leaving behind for my daughters to deal with. I have a full life insurance policy that is all paid and that will provide them with a modest amount of inheritance, although not a fortune. The two of them are the only beneficiaries and that cannot and will not ever be changed.
But here is the scenario that will cause my daughters grief. If something happens to me while I am living on this or another farm with livestock - even one horse - my daughters will either have to come to the farm immediately to care for the animal(s) or arrange for someone else to, as twelve or fourteen hours, possibly twenty-four, would be the maximum they could be left alone, even in such an emergency as death or hospitalization. In addition, a farm normally takes longer to sell than a typical home. This would create a major disruption for my kids, and although one is a lawyer and both are fully capable of looking after the livestock, they have their own busy lives. One or both may have children of their own by then and one of my daughters I do not expect to be living on the same continent as I. She has applied to a PHD position in New Zealand and currently has a love interest in the UK. It is time for me to stop dreaming and to face reality.

I have wished and prayed, and hoped against all hope that somehow Nick will stop this delusional behavior and begin to see things as they really are, but I have now accepted that he is unable and incapable of doing this. Even if he realizes that he is ill, the crux of this malady is to believe the actions of others to be true and to be fact, and to convince him otherwise is just as impossible as convincing me that what HE believes is true. His perception of what is reasonable is not only flawed, it has ceased to exist at all.

Quite incredulously and prophetically, there have been several episodes on CBC radio in the past few months that have delved into and presented research by experts about how the brains of healthy and well-adjusted everyday people modify memories and truly believe that these new versions of events are the truth. In fact, apparently this is something that most of us do to some degree and it is something that is considered a 'normal' function of recall of past events. Up until recently, the phenomenon had been attributed to 'his version' or 'her perception' of an experience, with in many instances two people having different and/or conflicting memories of the same event where both were present. I believe that the repeated trauma of neglect and abandonment that Nick suffered as a young child and as a young adult combined with these normal 'tricks' of the mind where memories are warped has given him a false and persecuting perception of current day experiences. He truly believes he is the victim of theft and infidelity, and that he is the subject of constant joke and ridicule.

This condition of 'morbid jealousy' is apparently extremely difficult to treat and must begin with the individual realizing the existence of the delusions as well as the desire to deal with them and heal from the inside as a first step forward. I believe this could be possible for Nick, but in combination with his complete disregard for financial responsibility, his disinterest in maintaining and repairing our home, vehicles, or virtually any of our material possessions and his lack of ambition to do anything more than the absolute minimum in the care of the livestock, I feel I have no choice but to cut myself loose and salvage what I can if I am ever going to move forward with my own life. I actually don't care for myself but I feel deeply indebted to my daughters and my family to do everything in my power to take control of this situation I find myself in and to do whatever it takes to recover financially and recoup some semblance of stability.

Enough philosophy for now, as I type this I can hear the rats scurrying around in the attic above me. I must get up from my cozy spot and re-bait the traps and make a decision to either call an extermination expert for help or order on-line some of the rat poison that is not only extremely effective but is also available only to these pest control companies.

Today is Thursday, and on Monday evening I sat down with Nick and finally blurted out that the 'farm' was not working for me. We agreed it was not working for either of us and we conceded that we each felt divorce was the best option. He was surprising calm about this and in fact, seemed relieved and almost pleased with the discussion. The next morning he sent me a text message at work saying he wanted to continue our life at the farm as if nothing was happening and that he immediately would cease mentioning, in his own words, 'you know who'. He agreed to get busy at once to train and prepare the horses for sale and also asked me to make a list of things he needed to fix in order to ready the place for sale. We made plans and discussed which rooms needed a new coat of paint and what improvements we each thought would expedite the selling of the property. He also agreed that we should work together to maximize the potential price we could get on the current market and that I should be re-imbursed the amount of the down payment I provided on the purchase of the farm.

Although there are many details to be decided upon, the atmosphere has changed from one of conflict to one of teamwork and positive outcomes. I am almost afraid to breath lest something will once again trigger another tide of apathy and abuse.