Wednesday, Feb.8/2017

Feb.8/2017

Alas, since my last entry I have been from the lowest valley in the depths of despair and then lifted over the highest cloud to the tip of heaven. Only to be dropped from the peak of this emotional storm onto the cold, dark and empty land I now call home.

I have always loved Christmas and the spirit of giving that seems to engulf most of us during the month of December. I knew my daughters would be spending the holidays with their father and this was not the first time I had spent Christmas without them. As well, my work schedule was such that I wouldn't get home until after 6pm on Christmas eve and although I had Christmas day off I had to work holiday hours 12-5 the following day, Boxing day. So I would have very little time to actually spend with the girls and after helping with the chores in the barn when I got home Christmas eve and in the morning and evening Christmas day, it seemed almost pointless to drag them out to the farm for such little quality time.

I was not prepared for how sad and depressed I was that day although I rationalized up and down and inside and out how much more practical it was to have our own little Christmas in January when the girls had returned and I had a three day weekend to enjoy their company.
Nick is Jewish and does not celebrate the holidays at all, he doesn't participate in any Hanukkah stuff either. He will sometimes buy something small for his son and daughter who live nearby but he has never bought anything for me or for my daughters in the seven years we have been together. In spite of the fact that I am very generous towards his kids, and my mother even includes his children on her list each year although she has never met them nor ever received a thank you from either of them.
I actually thought I would enjoy Christmas more with some of the hustle and bustle and pressure relieved by postponing it. I had decided I probably wouldn't bother with a tree. However, though, as it turned out, my daughters were rather let down by the dismal non-attempt their father made at the holiday and I ended up picking up the pieces to put together a grand celebration for the three of us. It seemed all the more special because the day itself was a gift we gave to each other.

Then as January swept in the winter weather, the nights were cold and the days seemed so dark even though technically, I guess, they are starting to get longer. But more hours of daylight certainly did not add up to less days of grey.