Oct. 5/2016
First entry - I wish I had started this at the beginning of the madness, but I don't think I realised how deep the downward spiral would or could go. And I don't think it has reached rock bottom yet. I know I am close to rock bottom. The only thing that keeps me breathing at all is the thought of the embarrassment of family discovering what a horrid mess I have made of my life. Oh, and of course, the faint light of hope I cling to as humans tend to do.
So I will start here, today, not really knowing at one point I am beginning this diary. I have no idea how this will eventually end, but I do remember exactly how it began. On July 6, 2009. I will reminisce another day. I want to get into print what today has offered.
It is about 10am and I am lying in bed as I type. My husband Nick is downstairs on his computer. He got up earlier to feed our horses and put them out before he went to a doctor's appointment in town. We live in the country about an hour away from where we met and both lived before we got together. We moved here three years ago and continue to travel to medical, dental, and other appointments which we will probably not bother to transfer closer to the farm as long as it is feasible to make the short trip to familiar people and places.
So Nick arrived home about an hour after he had left. I was snoozing upstairs when I heard a dog's tail hit the floor in a lazy wag of a greeting and knew someone had entered the house. Someone well-liked to the dogs as there was no barking. My first thought was that I had managed to sleep for the whole two hours and a bit that Nick would have been away, but I glanced at the clock and confirmed it was only ten minutes before his stated appointment time an hour away. I heard him tread quietly up the stairs, with his shoes still on (this drives me crazy- should I say crazier?) and he opened the bedroom door. He explained that there had been an accident and the highway would be impassable for several hours so he had rescheduled his appointment and turned around.
Then he started to tell me why he had taken our 'good' car to town, because his car had the emergency brake cable broken or stretched or locked on or something, as the result of some idiot doing power turns (I envisioned 'doughnuts') with his car, the kind the police do in the movies. I guess the bad guys do them now too.
Of course, he said, there was no way I had done that, and also the front tie rod was screwed and needed to be replaced. In his words, his car was 'fu****'. I am afraid I will use that notation often.
I told him that I had backed the car over the asphalt driveway at work and onto the soft back yard of the home beside it at work and that I had had to back the car up further and drive a small way alongside the pavement before I was able to get the wheels back off the grass and onto the driveway, and that there had been a five or six inch drop between the two surfaces. There was also multiple spots on the way to work where ongoing road construction had left gravel bumps in the highway that still needed to be paved. I knew driving back and forth over these for several weeks couldn't be doing the cars any good and I have to admit I can be an aggressive driver at times, especially when I am running late.
So I had to listen to a five-minute rant on how the next door neighbour has been driving his car, the proof being in the apparent abuse and also that folks in the area had seen him driving Nick's car. He named off a few of his 'sources' so of course, this makes it the undisputed truth. And the neighbour gets the keys how?
I will have to leave that explanation for another time. I am terrified he will come upstairs to find me making this entry. It is my day off today and, as usual, it has started with accusations and aggression leaving with the yearning to crawl back under the covers in the hope of waking up in another century. But I guess we don't have the technology for that yet, so I will get up and get dressed and see what I can piece together from these tatters of my day.
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