Saturday, October 22, 2016

Oct. 22/2016

It is a loud day today. Nick went through a phase about a year ago where he would slam and bang everything he did or touched. I was very thankful when he began to get his rages more under control, but today he didn't try at all.  Sometimes I think he does this because of the restless energy males accumulate when they are overdue on their intimacy schedule. I am aware of this and I realize that although I find it difficult to be 'in the mood' in the evening when Nick has been unpleasant all day, he will be more unpleasant if I don't find myself in the mood at least once every three or four days.

To pick up where I left off with the phases of coming to grips with the rest of my life, after I went from the angry phase to the bargaining phase I morphed into the planning phase.

I have fallen in love with living in the country. I have fallen in love with the land and all the creatures we share it with, domestic or wild. And I have fallen in love with each one of the horses we have, they all have their own distinct personalities as well as their own little quirks and preferences and ways of doing things. I love taking care of them, working in the barn and outside on fences and stuff.
I can't imagine living anywhere else, or at least I couldn't until I had navigated my way through this phase and into the next.
I decided that I could stay here on the farm by myself and manage to keep two horses, the ones that were bought for my two daughters. It doesn't take much time at all to feed, water and muck out just two horses. One of the problems would be having their hooves trimmed, but Nick only did it about once a year and I figured I could afford that as I would have to pay someone else to do it with Nick gone. Yes, I planned to ask him to leave if he didn't stop his ridiculous behavior as I was coming to the point where I could not and would not tolerate it any longer.

Clearing the snow from the driveway in the winter is also a major issue. We have a big tractor to do that, which I can't afford the payments on myself and which I can barely operate anyway. The plan for that was to trade it in and get a much smaller one that could plow snow as well as rototill and move the round bales of hay around.
We have an old Dodge truck we use to pull a trailer we transport the hay from the farm we buy it from to our farm, and I doubt I could do this moving by myself. I could switch back to using square bales which we used in the beginning and which are a more expensive option, but I was able to handle them with no problem at all. This is important in the winter months when the hay for the next eight months or so is bought and stored until spring.

I just can't bear the thought of selling the farm and the livestock. I have so many plans for the farm, for the horses, for the land. Nick and I had talked about doing a bunch of things in the future and I was really looking forward to retiring from my first career and starting on a second one. We planned to use the house as a bed and breakfast to host families or anyone who wanted to spend a weekend or a vacation living on a farm. We even thought we might make a small campsite in the woods for folks who had never been camping but wanted to try it risk-free before buying all the gear. It could be part of the 'country experience'. We have our own free-range organic eggs and chicken and will have a supply of beef available in a year or so. Combined with the large garden we put in every year, our visitors would get to see where the food that ends up at the grocery store comes from. A couple of goats for milk and cheese and we will have almost every food group covered!

Then I got realistic about the whole thing. We would never be able to host visitors. I would be pulling my hair out trying to keep the place neat and presentable while Nick went ahead of me messing things up and leaving stuff out everywhere. He literally never puts anything back where it goes. The other problem is that a lot of things will need to be fixed around here and the embarrassment factor would be overwhelming unless an awful lot of stuff gets fixed and Nick stays on top of it. I have wished over and over again that he was the kind of person who takes pride in his house and property and is always keeping it neat and well-looked after, but I must admit I knew that wasn't Nick even before we moved to the farm.
I hated to admit to myself that all of these plans I was making were just pipedreams. I felt stupid having told them to friends, to family, to co-workers. Actually now I know as the words leave my mouth that they are nothing but the dreams of a fool.

It has taken me about two and a half years to complete this circle of acceptance. I know I can't live here much longer, existing in this twilight zone as I do. Every day is a struggle to pick my path carefully across broken glass and pray he doesn't confront me with his accusations. They are so incredibly outlandish and yet he believes them to be real.