Oct. 23/2016
Today was an OK day. Nick went back and forth for hay most of the day and I fed and put the horses out and then I mucked out the stalls. After I had cleaned out two stalls I decided I wanted some music so I came inside and dug out an old boom box and I almost enjoyed the rest of the chores. After three and a half years I finally have a radio in the barn.
Nick has now gone to drop off his compressor at Alex's for her husband to use. He also says he is picking up cupcakes from a friend of my daughter but I will believe that when I see the cupcakes. We don't have any money to pay for the hay we have sitting in our yard but we have money for little desserts. At any rate I now have at least two hours to myself to do whatever I want in total peace.
The first ten or eleven months at the farm were pure bliss. I had not been prepared for how fast and how deeply I fell in love with the farm and the horses and the routine of looking after them. Nick was still working so we would both get up at five-thirty each morning to do the chores together before we left for work. His job was flexible so he could be home by five or six to do the evening chores. My job requires I work eleven or twelve hour shifts so I wouldn't be home in the evenings on the days I worked. But on my days off the two of us would work together on whatever project needed doing.
I took the money from the sale of my house to purchase everything we would need for our life on the farm. I put the down payment on a brand new eight-five horsepower tractor (a really big one!) plus three extra attachments at almost a thousand dollars each which I had to write a cheque for when they were delivered, and I also bought a used Dodge Ram truck, a horse trailer, a trailer for hay, a portable sawmill to make our own lumber from the sixty acres of wooded land we had, and a generator. We also spent about twenty-five thousand on horses but Nick did pay for the ones he wanted and I paid for mine. I was very generous with this money - I wanted our life here to be comfortable and I wanted Nick to have everything he needed to run the farm and look after the animals.
I bought new queen-size beds for two of the bedrooms as well as some dressers and night tables so all of the bedrooms would be comfortable and nicely furnished. And new curtains for some rooms and blinds for others. I was quite proud of myself when it was completed and I still had plans for a few more minor improvements like painting the main hallway and upstairs bathroom.
I planned all along to change jobs as the ninety- minute commute each way was not sustainable so I left my job of fifteen years in February, after nine months in our new home. I took time off in between and as things worked out I didn't start a new job until the end of April. I thoroughly enjoyed my days keeping busy with the chores and getting to know and understand the horses. I had never lived on a farm before and all I knew about horses before I moved here was that I liked them a lot. I did give my daughters the riding lessons I had always wanted, and they rode every week for five or six years until they were in their mid-teens. I looked forward to finally learning to ride myself.
Nick and I decided to get married the second summer because we wanted a very small wedding with just family and a few friends that could take place in the farmhouse, and we thought it would be wiser to wait a year as the first summer was so busy getting ourselves and our young horses settled into a new home.
As I began to pick a date and decide on some details for the wedding, I felt Nick was rather disinterested in the whole affair. He didn't want to invite anyone but his two children, his daughter Alex and his son Luke. And he wasn't going to insist that Luke come, if he didn't care to attend. That was fine with me but I did need Alex there, as I was going to have Alex and my older daughter be the witnesses for the ceremony. After the date was set and everything was starting to fall into place, Nick kept asking me over and over again what the date was that we chose. There wasn't much that needed any great amount of planning, but Nick really didn't have the least bit of enthusiasm for anything I asked his advice or his thoughts on. I did find this odd at the time, because Nick had been the one who wanted to get legally married, not me.
We had a wonderful day, my sister and niece flew in from Toronto to surprise me so that my mom and my two sisters, two nieces and two daughters could all enjoy it together. The weather was perfect and after the ceremony we changed into our barn clothes and enjoyed our first evening together with our horses as man and wife.
Monday morning came as it always does, and Nick and I continued with our routine of early mornings and busy days. I was settling into my new job and Nick was thinking about retiring. He was going to be sixty-five on his next birthday so he could throw in the towel any time he pleased. We were both looking forward to him being able to work full-time on the farm.
Then came October and Nick went to Ottawa for a conference for work. He was gone for three days and two nights, which meant I would have to feed and muck out the stalls after I got home from work at nine-thirty and then get up early to do chores again before I left for work at eight am. I was exhausted by the time I came in from the barn at eleven-thirty at night, and Nick insisted on calling me each night to chat for twenty or thirty minutes. I was literally falling asleep as I was talking to him and all I could think about was how early I had to get up the next morning. The weather was cold and rainy to top it all off.
So I was very proud of myself when Nick arrived home and could see that I had managed to hang in there and get it all done by myself. Perhaps one more night would have been my limit but I made it through what I had had to do.
I don't really remember exactly when the accusations started. I will never forget how they kicked my feet out from under me and knocked me breathless as I hit the hard ground. Figuratively of course. But it felt the same.
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