Saturday, July 29, 2017

Saturday, July 29, 2017

I worked today and then I cut the grass when I got home. Nice summer day, it was super to be able to be outside until 8:30 or so. My raspberry bushes that I planted two years ago are loaded with berries and this is making me happy! I am sad to have to leave them behind when the farm sells and I
move away but I will plant more at my next home. Same with everything else that is growing and blooming in my gardens at the moment - I have taken pieces of just about everything I have here and have made transplants for my sister's and my daughter's properties. Some of the hostas that my sister has came from my father's garden. My mom gave them to her after my dad died and mom sold the family home and I am glad to have been able to take pieces from those from my sister and started them here. I have given several to friends as well.

When I came into the kitchen after arriving home from work I noticed that Nick had been shopping and there was a bag on the chair with several little scribblers in it, the kind he uses to practice his Ukrainian. There was also 4 or 5 toothbrushes in the bag as well. This still makes me laugh as I type about it. Who needs to buy that many toothbrushes at once when it's not Christmas?
Then I noticed that his wallet was sitting in plain view on top of the safe beside the chair. My first thought was to pick it up and go through it but then I remembered he had accused me before I left for work this morning of trying to unlock his phone last night. Which I did do but I lied and told him I hadn't. He said his phone notifies him when someone tries to do this and I don't know whether to believe him or not. Maybe it does or maybe he thinks he saw me on camera or heard me on video. His stupid phone makes those media sounds for everything. I know for sure I am not going to try it again. I will just check to make sure it is locked and if it is I will leave it alone. Maybe I will get lucky again and find it unlocked like I did the other day.

So I didn't pick up his wallet. I washed out my lunch containers and noticed his phone sitting on the counter which I knew better than to touch, but the set of keys he carries in his pocket all the time was sitting on the counter as well, right beside his phone in plain view. He should have written a little note saying 'pick me up and open the locked cupboard or the computer room'. I am actually surprised how stupid he must think I am. If he had just left the keys out I might have thought he had done it by mistake and he might have been able to catch me snooping into his cupboard. And really, what's wrong with that? Why does he feel he has to lock a cupboard in the kitchen? Well I know it is to prevent Salter from stealing from him, but so what if I find out what is in there? There is something so distorted with his logic.

I was thinking yesterday about the text message from his daughter talking about going to the gun range and I remembered that he had this big pistol out the other day and he was oiling it or whatever you do to those things. He was spinning the barrel (I think that's what it is called), the place where you put the bullets and then putting some more lube stuff on and spinning it again. He was doing this in a rather sinister fashion and he made completely sure to put it right in front of me so I could not miss or mistake what he was doing. He cracked the barrel open several times and then spun it and repeated this while he followed me around. We were having a conversation about something but I don't remember what it was about because the gun made such an impression on me. It was like I was in a movie and he was going to suddenly put it to my head and ask me if I was feeling lucky.

He has been yelling about Salter more lately than he had been and he has been swearing in frustration or whatever as he reads text messages and/or emails. I even made a comment about it this evening because he was sitting at the computer, reading emails I think and he started to chuckle as if he was finding something amusing and then he immediately spewed a long list of swear words - his usual compilation. I have to wonder what this is all about. He told me the other day that he is definitely going to 'get' Salter even if he has to go to jail for it. The only reason he would say this to me is to intimidate me and hope to frighten me, maybe into leaving and going to stay with my sister again. He must know that there is no person named Salter and he must know he is making this all up. I have asked Nick many, many, many times why he is making these stories up and he insists that he isn't and is adamant I am the liar. And I have also said to him that he must know that I know he is making this stuff up because I really do know the truth. It's not like he can put any doubt into my mind that I might be actually really having a affair with a guy named Salter. Of course I would know if I was or if I wasn't. It's almost like telling me there is a monster in the closet. We both know it isn't so. But I really have to wonder if he is able to distinguish what is real from what he is trying to tell himself is real. Maybe he is telling himself things to protect himself from the truth about what is really going on. He knows he is squandering large amounts of money that he can't afford to spend on steroids or supplements to stay young but he can't stop his addiction to this so he fabricates a story to deflect the blame away from himself to relieve his guilt about not being strong enough to resist his compulsion or gain control over his behavior. It almost makes sense.

He knows that is totally illogical for him to casually discard this life that I have provided for him - the dream existence of living on this beautiful property with the horses and raising our own food while enjoying the true wonders of nature and living so close to it all - from the hummingbirds who return each May to nest right outside the back door to the garter snakes that live in the rock garden and the deer who show off their fawns on September evenings. So he has created a scenario that totally makes him the victim, that I am having a romantic relationship with someone who is stealing things which is causing Nick to spend money to replace which absolves him of any wrong doing in regards to his own infidelity and his lack of financial responsibility.

Everything that is wrong with anything on the farm is always directly Salter's fault. It took me awhile to realize that everything is connected to this. I was puzzled for a long time about why Nick kept saying that Salter had been seen by our neighbour removing and raking sand in our riding arena. This totally made absolutely no sense to me. What a ridiculous thing for anyone to do! Then I realized that Nick knew that keeping our stallion up there instead of putting electric fencing in place around a section of our pasture was ruining the integrity of the layers of sand etc of the arena which were specifically created to give good footing and good drainage. The horse would pace back and forth over the same length of fence thus packing this down and forcing the top layer of sand to displace. Which I guess would give the same effect as if someone had taken the sand away. So of course, it is not Nick's fault that the thousands of dollars spent by the previous owners to construct a quality riding arena have been wasted - not by him being too lazy to create a suitable enclosure for the stallion - oh no, it was Salter's fault because he stole the sand. And my fault by association, if not more directly by giving permission. This is just one example of many things that have been ruined by neglect or carelessness.

It is also how Nick avoids responsibility for not picking up his tools after he uses them. If he can't find them, then of course, they were stolen. He avoids the guilt and the label of lazy from not performing routine maintenance by claiming that he doesn't have the tools necessary to do the job. Nothing is his fault. He takes no responsibility whatsoever for anything. There is always someone else to blame. What a huge amount of guilt he must be carrying around that he has to do this to avoid having to accept any more. I have to wonder what this burden is and where it might have come from.