Monday, July 31, 2017

Monday, July 31/2017

I am sitting outside on the back verandah after an absolutely perfect summer day. At the moment the sun is just about to dip below the trees and the hummingbirds are out and about for their evening snack. They zoom around and sound like huge bumble bees. The sound always reminds me of the movie 'Jumanji'.      

I managed to tidy the yard a bit by dragging some of the discarded wood and boards and broken fence pieces and I piled them in back of the barn. I don't know why that stuff has to be tossed in the front yard anyway. Just easier I guess. Nick set the small pile I had gathered on fire after much discussion about where the fire should be located and what should be burned. All after I had it piled in a different place of course.

The night before last I had a an awful experience. I had been asleep for an hour or so when I heard one of the dogs bark like she needed to go outside in a hurry. So I got up to let her out and I noticed that Nick didn't seem to be inside the house. He wasn't in his bedroom or the computer room and I began to wonder where he had gone and what was going on. Did he plan to set the house on fire? Or was it planned that someone would break into the house and I would be murdered as part of a botched robbery? I was immediately wide awake and my brain was considering my options. As I had planned before I put a T-shirt on and a pair of shorts as well as my shoes and I shoved my computer and chargers into the carrying case and grabbed my cell phone. I put my car keys into my pocket and picked up my purse as well. I went down the back staircase and as I switched on the outside light the power went out. I instinctively knew it was because the dehumidifier must be on the same circuit as the light and the breaker in the fuse box must have switched the power off but at the same time I became extremely spooked. I checked that the door was locked and then went around the house locking all the doors and turning all the outside lights on. Would you believe that there are nine doors? Four bedrooms and the living room have sliding doors out onto decks and then there is the front door, the back door, the side door and the basement door. Great in case of a fire I guess.

With my surroundings now about as secure as I was going to make them, I began to wonder what I was going to do next. I had to find a way to get some sleep. I had to work the next day. I knew there was no way I could relax enough to get any sleep inside the house. I thought I might have to take a pillow and a blanket and drive the car somewhere close yet safe and public and spend the rest of the night in the car.

I had just decided this was what I was going to do and Nick started banging on the back door. I let him in and he commented that all the outside lights were on. I told him about the power being off to the back of the house and he went into the garage and threw the breaker. He brushed his teeth and went to bed so I figured it was safe for me to do the same. Go to bed that is. By this time it was about 1:30am.

When I got up in the morning and hopped in the shower there was no hot water. I wondered if this might be because the power had gone out but I was pretty sure I was right about the circuit being overloaded by the dehumidifier and the lights. Maybe Nick was trying to make things so uncomfortable for me that I would decide to go and stay at my sister's place again. The shower was not hot but not all that cold and I didn't say anything about it when I came downstairs. I wanted to see if and how Nick might mention it to me. He actually asked me how long of  shower I had taken and I replied 'not very long'. So then he asked if I had had any hot water and I said no. As it turned out the thermostat on the hot water tank needed to be replaced. I still don't know where Nick went the night before or why he left the house when it was so late. Thinking about it now, maybe he went outside to make a phone call.

Nick put his cell phone out in plain view today and left it unlocked on purpose hoping I would pick it up and start looking through it. So he could catch me at it I suppose. He put his phone on top of a plastic cup with the charger attached to it. I took a picture and I must remember to come back and include it here. I tried to transfer my photos from my phone to my computer yesterday but something wasn't working properly. I am very frustrated by how difficult it is to do that simple task.
Of course I didn't touch his phone. And I noticed afterwards that he had also set his car keys on the counter beside his phone. How ridiculous of him to think I wouldn't know he had this on purpose. He does somehow know that I tried to access his phone the other night - he told me his phone records if this happens - but I wonder why he didn't mention this to me on other occasions because I have done this a number of times before. I wonder if he knows that I was able to get into his phone the other day when we were hanging the mirror.
And what is he planning to do if he catches me in his phone or in his car? What am I supposed to be trying to find out? And why would I really care if he is seeing someone else? I guess he wants me to be jealous and show in some way that it upsets me or that I care about there being another woman. Of course it actually is to my advantage that he is in a relationship. I am hoping that this woman's motivation in hooking up with Nick is to get married and come to Canada.
As far as he has ever admitted to me he was in Frankfurt on business. But I can't spend too much time or effort wondering about what his motives are or what he is thinking. I have to remind myself that his mind is not a logical one and that it is full of suspicion and paranoia and guilt as well as delusion.