Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

I feel a mix of exhilaration and frustration as I type tonight. I am filled with hope about the great things I know are to come as I break free from this toxic relationship and gain control of my own life again but I feel frustrated that there are restraints on what I can and cannot accomplish in a day or a week. Take for example tomorrow....I need to cut the grass but the mower needs to be fixed and Nick hasn't bothered to look at it yet. I ran over a pile of dirt he had dumped on the front lawn while plowing last winter and because it has been so dry, it stopped the mower blade and I wasn't able to re-start the thing. That was Monday. Tomorrow is Thursday and the grass is getting long. I am not off again until Sunday and who knows what the weather will be like. And then I tell myself  'it's just grass!!!'. The guy I had sold my daughter's car to (the car whose transmission gave up the ghost) called me today and he would like me to pick up the payment for the car tomorrow when he gets off of work around 4pm, which is over an hour's drive from here for me. And over an hour's drive back again, obviously. My point is that this will seriously cut into any productivity I may be able to muster. I always look forward to my days off and how much I will get done. But it never works out that way. First of all, I sleep in too late. Getting up around 9 is pretty usual for me and anytime before that is early. I remember that I used to get annoyed that stores and things didn't open until 8 or 9am when I was younger, but all of that has changed now. I guess I just need more sleep. I would never have been up after 1030pm 10 years ago either. But here it is 11pm.

I have been listening to all of the voice recordings I have made with my cell phone of conversations between Nick and myself. More often than not, these are actually just recordings of him yelling at me as I try to interject some words of defense or to question the validity of the accusations. I came to the one recording of March 3 of this year, when I am asking Nick about the $31,000 he has withdrawn from our mortgage to pay off his credit card, and his daughter is here but I have just arrived home from work and I am so pissed about this (and I have known for over a week about it but I didn't confront Nick with it until I had verified with the bank) and so I inadvertently draw her into the argument because I am not willing to postpone the showdown until a more convenient time, a more convenient time for Nick that is.
I had listened to this recording a number of times and I was tempted not to listen to it one more time, but for some reason I decided to play it anyway. There is a part in the argument when Nick's daughter threatens me and Nick tells her to stop. She says no, she won't, that she is serious about her threats, and then she says to her father 'I have done much worse than that before - remember what I did to Jane?'. Well I heard that sentence before but I didn't know who Jane was, and actually I didn't even identify the name she was saying as Jane. I thought she was talking about a friend of hers who she had had a falling out with. But she was talking about Nick's previous 'wife' Jane, the one he was paying the $500 a month support payment to. That I had just found out about a few days ago.

Very interesting, eh? So now I have to find what she did to Jane. I would love to locate this person and speak with her. Maybe there was a report filed by Jane with the police, if the 'thing she did' was serious enough. I intend to find out.